Everyone struggles with the commonality of four primary battles: fear, doubt, insecurity, and grief. These emotions create a battlefield that scars our hearts. [1] Hearts are our internal gardens we love so much.[2] Humans, like gardens, must tend to the soil that dwells within the heart. The battles within the mind individuals face impact the internal garden. The tools the heart is filled with can leave scars or produce a bountiful harvest. A struggle develops between the heart and the mind, creating a situation no one wants to admit to. God created us to cultivate a purposeful life through His design.

A child’s heart is filled with fertile soil that will cultivate anything and everything planted. Therefore, the seeds planted are critical to production or destruction.[3] How often does one believe they are only loved based upon their performance? Too frequently, a parent may quote, “I love you, but…” it is here where the process of a destructive seed becomes planted. A fertile heart will reproduce into a healthy adult. However, love based on performance will often lead to the creation of an ugly monster called “perfectionism.”[4] While frequently seen as a positive trait, perfectionism can have significant negative consequences if excessive. Here are some of the primary dangers:

Emotional Toll of Perfectionism

• Anxiety and Stress: Constant pressure to be perfect can lead to overwhelming anxiety and stress.
• Low Self-Esteem: When mistakes or imperfections are viewed as failures, it can erode self-esteem and confidence.
• Depression: Chronic dissatisfaction and disappointment can contribute to feelings of hopelessness and depression.

Relationship Challenges

• Strained Relationships: Perfectionism can lead to unrealistic expectations of oneself and others, straining relationships.
• Difficulty Asking for Help: Fear of failure or incompetence can make it difficult to ask for help, leading to isolation.

Procrastination and Avoidance

• Fear of Failure: The fear of making mistakes can lead to procrastination and avoidance of tasks.
• Overwhelm: The pressure to be perfect can create a sense of overwhelm, making it difficult to start or complete tasks.

Physical Health Issues

• Chronic Stress: The physical toll of chronic stress can lead to various health problems, such as headaches, digestive issues, and a weakened immune system.
• Burnout: Excessive perfectionism can lead to burnout, a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion.

It’s essential to recognize that striving for excellence is different from perfectionism. While aiming for high standards is healthy, perfectionism can harm overall well-being. If you find yourself struggling with perfectionism, consider seeking support from a therapist or counselor to develop healthier coping strategies.

            Perfectionism is a battle, like plants in a garden fighting for space like joy and pain within one’s heart. Neither joy nor pain will cancel the other but must coexist as plants grow together.[5] Reflecting biblically, it is essential to look at Psalm 1:3: “They are like trees planted by streams of water, which yield their fruit in its season, and their leaves do not wither. In all that they do, they prosper.” (NRSV) everyone has a season of life, it is crucial not to give into withering. Where is the trust place to avoid the potential of withering? It is essential to reflect on Proverbs 11:28: “Those who trust in their riches will wither, but the righteous will flourish like green leaves.” (NRSV) Plant everything in faithfulness through the Prophet Jeremiah: “I will rejoice in doing good to them, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and all my soul.” (Jeremiah 32:41, NRSV) These Scriptures lead to the Prophet Jeremiah’s writings of (32:41) “I will rejoice in doing good to them, and I will plant them in this land in faithfulness, with all my heart and all my soul.” (Jeremiah, NRSV)[6]

            Everyday garden metaphors are used to express life. The metaphors are taken for granted due to the frequency of use. Life and gardens require nutrients.

•          I put down roots
•          Nip it in the bud
•          Cultivate goals

The beauty of these metaphors is drawing near unrelated ideas to clarify a visual point.[7] Comparing one’s thoughts toward a plant might make one think differently about self-compassion.[8] Everyone can identify with a plant and how plants require attention and nurturing, just as when one is caught in a struggle, self-deprecating thoughts replace nurture with weeds.[9] Within this space of struggle, the brain and plants share a commonality where neurons come together, creating a life-giving connection over and above the metaphor. Having suffered a stroke, this is an exciting area as two billion neurons may have been destroyed, but as humans, what is that number when 100 billion neurons are available. Good news comes out of the story as healing is available. Much like plants, neurons work close without a direct connection.

Humans, unlike plants, utilize the chemical elements of neurons or neurotransmitters to communicate.[10] Neurotransmitters impact one’s mood through dopamine and serotonin, thus activating muscle groups and helping the body rest and heal.[11] Neurons have different shapes and sizes, emulating vines, bushes, blades of grass, or even tree roots.[12] Reflecting on trees and a trip to California, the colossal Redwoods come to mind. Redwoods grow to 350 feet or more heights, yet their roots barely reach 10 feet into the soil. While shallow in depth, the origins spread horizontally up to 80 feet and intertwine with other Redwoods, creating a grove for stability.[13] Redwoods communicate in such a way their root systems connect with each other to form a foundation for all to survive. In essence, Redwoods thrive in communities that are not unlike humans. God has given all things a way to succeed in well-being. Well-being becomes an analogy to life in and through the garden.

For a garden to thrive, it must begin with the seeds. Seeds and planting are crucial for all to thrive. Through self-reflection, one must consider what seeds are being planted to be fruitful. What are we planting into the lives of our families, friends, and coworkers? Fruitful plants require quality soil. What if seeds become one’s thoughts and soil is found within the heart? How can an individual view the connection? Planting quality seeds or thoughts into the fertile ground or a fertile heart becomes a beautiful garden with beaming outward fruit.

Looking at Matthew 13, Jesus shares the parable of the sower. It is here that Jesus expresses the importance of bearing fruit. Jesus utilizes the parable of the soils as the farmer sows seed. Jesus defines three of the soils as fruitless, producing no harvest.[14] Notice that there is no spotlight on the farmer or blame for the fruitless seeds; the focus is on the soil quality.[15] Essentially, the message applies to how people respond to Jesus’ message of His Kingdom.[16] This is a perfect picture of life as well. Think about the seeds individually sown. It is crucial to sow good seeds with the understanding that some will be fruitful, some will wither, some will be doomed, some may develop as toxic weeds, while others will produce a hundredfold, sixty, or thirty as Jesus proclaims (Matthew 13:8ESV). It is imperative to understand the soil within our hearts to freely sow seeds without forgetting the soil within the heart must be fertile spiritual soil. Like the garden, the heart has roots tied to the mind, producing fruit and seeds while anchoring the heart to the fruit of life.[17] There is a garden within you. It is rooted within your soul. It is critical to embrace all your emotions as a battle wages war on your mind. This battle I know all too well, having survived a quadruple stroke, was afforded the opportunity to not only survive but to reflect on the soil of my heart. I needed to weed, fertilize, and adjust the soil toward spiritual rebirth and cultivation of the heart. My mind was undermining my soul in ways unredeemed pain multiplied through life-long denial. My garden had become overgrown, and despite all my theological growth, my spiritual seeds were sown on rocky soil. Grace saved the day and my life, and we never fully understand how valuable grace is until grace is desperately needed.

Bibliography

Brown, Jeanine. Matthew. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2017.

Daw, Sonya. National Park Service. April 2017. https://www.nps.gov/articles/000/coast-redwood.htm (accessed September 15, 2024).

Phillips, Anita. The Garden Within. Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2023.

[1] Anita Perkins, The Garden Within (Nashville:Thomas Nelson, 2023), XVIII.

[2] Perkins, The Garden, XVIIII.

[3] Perkins, The Garden, 4.

[4] Perkins, The Garden, 5.

[5] Perkins, The Garden, 5.

[6] Perkins, The Garden, 7.

[7] Perkins, The Garden, 7.

[8] Perkins, The Garden, 10.

[9] Perkins, The Garden, 10.

[10] Perkins, The Garden, 11.

[11] Perkins, The Garden, 11.

[12] Perkins, The Garden, 11.

[13] “Coast Redwood,” Redwood National and State Parks, accessed September 15, 2024, https://www.nps.gov/articles/000/coast-redwood.htm.

[14] Jeanine Brown, Matthew (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2017), 324.

[15] Brown, Matthew, 324.

[16] Brown, Matthew, 324.

[17] Perkins, The Garden, 13.

How We Respond Defines Our Future

Life-changing incidents have profound consequences and impacts on one’s life. How we handle those moments defines moving forward or wallowing in a pit of grief and sorrow. It is good to grieve, breathe, and receive the blessings surrounding those moments. To receive, it is crucial to listen to the winks the Spirit guides us toward and accept some hard truths with humility.

The presence of society and the act of comparing oneself to others drive individuals to believe in and feel the need for more. The vicious cycle becomes a never-ending cycle seeking perpetual fulfillment.

Leading up to my stroke, or as often labeled “health event,” a bout with Bell’s Palsy affected my life. This may have been an underlying cause leading to the stroke because of a lack of self-care and awareness on my part. Life has a way of catching up, which leads to extenuating circumstances and stressors. I was on a journey, always seeking more knowledge, thinking I did not measure up or have enough. The illnesses have rebuilt a new perspective and renewed representation of life. While the reflection in the mirror is complex, it is one of value, requiring humility, understanding, prayer, and action.

Ecclesiastes 1 offers excellent insight into the earthly experiences and limitations of wisdom. In my moments of crisis, there was a lasting impression that still haunted me. As I was being carted from the house, the fear on my son’s face forced me to think about my life and what mattered most. I saw his look of fear, holding the safety blanket he has owned since birth, held onto all of his eleven years. As I faded into darkness, I saw a little boy go from his current age of eleven to two, and then everything went blank until I woke in the ambulance. Nothing mattered more than his treasured face, smile, and love. No achievements, awards, or accolades mattered more than my family.

The teacher from Ecclesiastes offers unique insight into the things of the world and says that everything is futile. “Vanity of vanities, says the Teacher, vanity of vanities! All is vanity.” (Ecclesiastes 1:2, NRSV) The Hebrew word describing “absolute futility” Hevel is used 38 times in Ecclesiastes, often to show worthless idols. Collecting idols throughout life forces one to ask, what does anyone gain? What do we leave behind for others? What is it we hold on to as we move through life?

Cultural pressure suggests we need more knowledge and wealth to acquire an advantage over others, sometimes at any cost. Again, everything is centered on selfish fulfillment, and doing these things will lead to a fulfilled life. In a crisis, the only fulfillment comes from one more hug or love and the precious loved ones. “What do people gain from all the toil at which they toil under the sun?” (Ecclesiastes 1:3, NRSV) Throughout life, reflecting on the profit from the toil is crucial. Who cares if you have a bigger house, a faster car, or a gigantic bank account? What is lying in your heart? In a crisis, there is no profit to be gathered, profit to gain, or a strategic advantage that death will not eliminate. I had to ask myself what profit I would choose.

The stroke created a rebirth to choose the profit I desire: to move forward with a legacy to leave others. What does the profit of knowledge do for others when I am in my grave? Pausing, one should consider the poem from Ecclesiastes 1:4-11.

“A generation goes, and a generation comes, but the earth remains forever. The sun rises and the sun goes down, and hurries to the place where it rises. The wind blows to the south, and goes around to the north; round and round goes the wind, and on its circuits the wind returns. All streams run to the sea, but the sea is not full; to the place where the streams flow, there they continue to flow. All things are wearisome; more than one can express; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, or the ear filled with hearing. What has been is what will be, and what has been done is what will be done; there is nothing new under the sun. Is there a thing of which it is said, “See, this is new”? It has already been, in the ages before us. The people of long ago are not remembered, nor will there be any remembrance of people yet to come by those who come after them.” (Ecclesiastes 1:4–11, NRSV)

 As generations come and go, there is a concern about personal gain. When thinking of gain, it leads to the questions Jesus presents in Matthew 6:19-21 of where one’s treasure is. There is also their heart. My treasure changed on a journey, and before losing consciousness, I saw Heston’s face in utter despair. Something no child deserves. My treasure changed in a heartbeat, and I thought maybe it was our final time seeing each other. Much like the poem from Ecclesiastes, life has an ebb and flow that does not differ from how a river flows but never fills. The wind can blow ceaselessly in different directions while never fulfilling a purpose. Our world becomes ceaselessly busy with activity, yet is never fulfilled. The world is always seeking more, but for what? This is a familiar story for those who have ever seen chickens get slaughtered on the farm. As the chickens are prepared and their heads cut off, they can run wild around the area. At that precise moment, they are the busiest animals on the farm, but individually, they have no future and nothing to gain. Their purpose has become someone else’s gain. Endless busyness will sweep us away. My life has become a recurrent pattern of endless busyness, seeking fulfillment in many wrong places.

“All things are wearisome; more than one can express; the eye is not satisfied with seeing, or the ear filled with hearing.” (Ecclesiastes 1:8, NRSV)

Ecclesiastes expresses all things are weary. The word Hevel arises again as eyes and ears will not be fulfilled, and we have no control over the inevitable death of humans. No matter the pursuit of pleasures, accumulation of wealth, or knowledge, life is a puff of wind. Intricate and awkward, there are many things we will never understand on this side of heaven. Through the struggle and experiences, I have reflected on what the human experience provides, seemingly minor, sometimes impossible when caught up in the easily found idols. Future generations will never remember how clean the car was, how the house was the largest in the neighborhood, or how many awards were gathered. Reflecting on my childhood memories, the most valuable moments are the presence of my family together over the presents received. Numerous names will only be remembered as facts of public record, with no legacy left unto others. Today is the day to reboot and rebirth to provoke a life of legacy. 

July 28, 2024, changed many things for me. Early that morning, I rose early because of a bit of insomnia. Thinking I would read and go back to sleep, things changed quickly. I slipped into a fog, thinking I was having a bad dream. My right hand was not functioning, and I could not grip a pen nor grab my phone as things formed a blur. Fortunately, dropping the book and phone alerted my wife that something was wrong. Thinking I had fallen, she wisely came upstairs and noticed I was off. I could not speak, focus, or tell her what was happening. It was her fast action that saved my life. Her actions and the swift actions of the fire and rescue team from Cedar Falls led the way to life change. It is by God’s grace today that I can write this story.

I have never been more scared than the moment the emergency team was loading me into the ambulance. Images of the troubled look on my son Heston’s face and Karen’s as I left the house, thinking about what I would not give for one more hug. My mind raced with disdain, and I could not tell my little boy how much I loved him. My lips were frozen, and I was watching him in despair. The helpless feeling of thinking this could be the last time either of them saw me left me gutted. Would I ever see my parents again? This was not how I wanted my family to remember me. Nothing else mattered in the world then: possessions; nothing mattered anymore as my consciousness blurred in and out during the ride as the crew chatted with me. I found myself in heated prayer with Jesus to come with me and be with me, as it was not an exchange to save me but to imbue me and change the soil of my heart. Not a promise to change for healing, but how can I become intimate with Him moving forward to change my garden and rid me of the weeds? To pluck the ugly in exchange for the loving. (Ecc 3:2)

I cannot blame God or anyone else for the consequences of my lack of actions to care for myself. It was prideful arrogance, resentful ignorance, and lack of self-awareness that landed me in this harrowing situation. Without faith, it could feel like the suffering results from chaos and impersonal forces that collide without guaranteed results. With faith, we have and know the guaranteed results (Psalm 76:25-26). We know Jesus will never abandon us; from John 14:18, we will never be orphaned. Hebrews 13:5-6 we are assured of His confidence in what we have now.

Suffering is an invitation to how God sees and hears our suffering. (Gen 16:7-14 Exodus 2:22-25) Jesus exemplifies suffering as He experienced ridicule, cruelty, and pain and endured abuse to die on the cross, eventually. During my hospital stay, I leaned on Jesus in a way I had never had before. Because God knows suffering firsthand, I could not converse with Him, accusing Him of “Why me, or Jesus, you do not know what this is like.” Jesus cares when we do not expect it. Jesus comes near in our times of crisis, and His presence was felt during my stay and lifted me to press on with endurance. (Romans 8:28)

It would be easy to ask why. To question God why He allows suffering to enter the world and why I was chosen. Also, one could question why the serpent could enter the Garden of Eden. Who likes snakes? If God is strong, why would he not have destroyed the snake and Satan from the beginning? All questions are reasonable and can quickly be wrestled with, but knowing the answers on this side of heaven is impossible. More reasonable questions would be to ask God how to become more intimate with Him and love Him more deeply during these darkest moments of my four-day hospitalization.

The hospital stay drew me deeper into God and His loving nature on display. Despite the chaos, it was an opportunity to build my relationship with God. I compare the understanding to the first drawing Heston made for me as a child—the moment he brought me with eager pride, an example of his prized possession that only he understands. Before speaking, I would say that it is beautiful. Please explain to me how you created this image. As parents, how can we crush their moment of joy by saying that has a beautiful garbage truck, only to have them say, “Dad, it has a photo of you. I asked the safer question to go from there with our conversations. God is the same way, and He will not crush your heart through difficult circumstances. Through tender care and understanding, we acquire insight by reflecting on who our children are and who God is. We hear their beauty uniquely (Romans 1-18-20), and an innovative God and child blossom daily. During the time of reflection, I learned how relational God is.

While suffering, I discovered what was stirring inside my heart, as it does with many others. It was a reminder of how soil can quickly turn to silt and build a sludge that clogs fertile soil. Moses battled with the Israelites and witnesses of suffering during the exodus and their need for humbling hearts. (Dt 8:2-3) Suffering exposes the most abstract part of the inner heart. Strife and struggle burn off the layers of self-deception, and I realized the layers that needed to be removed from my heart. While harboring resentment, self-deception, ego, and self-dependence turned into a sludge-filled bitterness.

My illness and reflection became an open invitation into God’s kingdom on a new level. Harboring became a corrective discipline where reflection turned my outward ways into inward growth. It would have been easy to say, “Why me?” However, Joseph’s story teaches something different. Joseph suffered immensely in Egypt only to repay his family later during the famine (GN 50:20).

Individuals suffer so that others may be excluded, although an individual may yell, “Why me!” as if all things that happen should be for one’s benefit. I share my story to enrich others because you are important to me and those around you and unique to God. Kingdom work is not arranged around our individual plans; it is based upon God’s Kingdom work, which uses us. His work is not based on what we want. As I can share, I did not wish to have a stroke or jeopardize my family with a loss. There are no guarantees life will go without trials; many have already faced multiple storms. Life has no guarantees. However, God is always present; eventually, everyone faces a trial. How we choose to face them changes everything within the circumstance. Count it all joy, as James tells us in verse 1:1-2, and remember it is for the sake of others. These dangers are the very reasons I share this testimony.

During my four-day stay in the hospital, Jesus opened an invitation to the suffering, exposing four elements.

•          Examine my heart
•          To depend on Jesus
•          Training my faith
•          Training my holiness

Reflecting on Deuteronomy 8:23, the insulted world would grumble and complain as they were humbled in the wilderness. Suffering exposed the seeds God had planted on hardened soil within my heart, and the roots were shallow. Training is brutal, and preparing for the next steps is difficult. Not until the Israelites were pressed to enter Canaan, engaging armies much more extensive and substantial, did they find hardship had trained them?

“Think about it: Just as a parent disciplines a child, the Lord your God disciplines you for your own good.” (Deuteronomy 8:5, NLT)

We learn through discipline. In our struggle, we have often not shed blood through our resistance. Resistance had my full attention at every level.

            “After all, you have not yet given your lives in your struggle against sin. And have you forgotten the encouraging words God spoke to you as his children? He said, “My child, don’t make light of the Lord’s discipline, and don’t give up when he corrects you. For the Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes each one he accepts as his child.” As you endure this divine discipline, remember that God is treating you as his own children. Who ever heard of a child who is never disciplined by its father? If God doesn’t discipline you as he does all of his children, it means that you are illegitimate and are not really his children at all. Since we respected our earthly fathers who disciplined us, shouldn’t we submit even more to the discipline of the Father of our spirits, and live forever? For our earthly fathers disciplined us for a few years, doing the best they knew how. But God’s discipline is always good for us, so that we might share in his holiness. No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening—it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.” (Hebrews 12:4–11, NLT)

I resisted everything, thinking I could do it alone, expressing my pride and ego. Training was and is difficult at this time of trial.

            Training in holiness teaches the difference between punishment and discipline. Pain creates growth and holiness. Punishment is an extraction of payment for what is owed. The Lord knows we can never repay our sins; He has already covered that for us.

            Corrective discipline is meant for good, growing our hearts into fruitful soil and individual purpose. It is growth in holiness as a testament to what God can do in the blind spots we possess, as Jesus did with the blind man in John 9:3.

                        “It was not because of his sins or his parents’ sins,” Jesus answers. “This happened so the power of God could be seen in him.” (John 9:3, NLT)

            I can count it all joy, as Dr. John Perkins always expresses as his testament in life. James tells us this expressly in James 1-2.

            “My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy” (James 1:2, NRSV)

            Today, I share this to consider the tune of suffering to be nothing but joy, for it is a good day to be alive.